I feel wiped out right now. I feel like the universe is pushing me so so hard and at any moment I'm going to just go tumbling off into oblivion. It's felt like one hit after another and I'm kinda stuck in a bitter and downer mood...not my normal spunky self. I get mad at myself when I feel like this because quite frankly, I know there are a lot of people that face challenges much greater than mine on a daily basis that are much worse. It's then that I start beating myself up for how good I do actually have it.
I'm just tired.
Yesterday was a weird day for me. Coming off of being sick, coming off of wiping up copious amounts of vomit, coming home to a house that smells like death...I just kept trying to put on my happy face. I kept trying to make it a good night. Leyton was screaming and inconsolable, I was hungry, I made a trip for food only to realize my wallet was at home. Just one more punch after another. Silly stuff, but it was adding up.
Then came Facebook. I do like Facebook, but man there are times that it makes me crazy. I'm almost afraid to write this post because I am likely just opening myself up to some rapid gunfire. Man, how to even begin. I was annoyed by all the Steve Jobs stuff. There I said it. You can all stop reading now since I have likely offended the world right there. Now, don't get me wrong. He was an incredible man who created some incredible stuff. The thing is, we've never met him. Most of us don't have a clue who he is aside from what we see of him on TV or online....or because we think the iPhone is the best thing ever. The sadness that was dripping out of people as if they had lost a family member just kind of struck me the wrong way. I know he is an icon, and I'm sure an inspiration for many so I'm not totally sure why it got me fired up...it's hard to put it into words. I guess I have just never been affected by someone that I didn't know to feel that much hard ache over their passing. Is it sad, yes. It is unfortunate, yes. Does cancer suck, yes. In a way I just felt like I wish sometimes people showed that much emotion for the people that they actually see on a day to day basis. Maybe it's that I just need a hug, maybe I need a hug from some of the people that were so sad about the loss. Who knows.
Here is what I do know. I have a friend with cancer who is going through a hard time right now, and if I could give her a hug right now I would probably hug her so hard I wouldn't stop. I'm not going to tell you who she is, but when she reads this she will know. She came into my life in my early 20's. While not a whole lot older than me, to me she felt like a second mom. She was someone I could always go talk to, she was someone that always listened and gave great advice. She was someone that I could get a hug from. Some years back due to an unfortunate event she was taken away from me and I thought I would never see her again. I was sad beyond belief and tried many times to find her, but never had any luck. Through this blog, she found me and I can't tell you how happy I was to have her back in my life. We don't see each other a ton, but she still holds a big place in my heart.
She fought a round of cancer, and then it came back. Since she told me that I have thought about her every day. Yesterday I was thinking about her more than ever, and since I hadn't heard from her I was worried. I was so thankful when I got an email from her later in the day. I know from that email though she's not feeling great and it makes me so very sad. She doesn't deserve any of this. She is a wonderful person. So, maybe that wound was just wide open when the Steve Jobs stuff started pouring in....because in that moment I wanted all these people to be sending messages of well wishes to my friend, some that at one point were her friend to. Instead they were just writing to someone they have never even met.
So my friend, know that I love you. That I think about you every day. That I hope with all my heart you are recovering and fighting. That I miss you.