Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I don't understand.

I'm sure I've talked about it before on here, but I really dislike the news.  I hate the way they blow things out of proportion.  I hate the way they over-dramatize.  I guess that is what they are supposed to do, but it is something I will never like and never understand.  I just want them to give me the news, plain and simple.

So, when all of the information started coming in about Sandy I admit...I figured it was just another thing that was being blown out of proportion.  Then the evacuation notices started to come out.  Not from the news, but from officials.  Officials telling people to get out that this could get bad.  Now, don't get me wrong, I get that some people just have no means to leave.  It's no so much them.  I get frustrated by those that just want to say, "Well, it's always been fine before so I'm going to ride it out."

Really?  Well, good luck to you.  Thing is...don't come looking for sympathy when shit hits the fan.  When things don't go quite as well as before.

It's worse though.  I get absolutely furious by those that take it a step further.  They bust out their surfboards, or as one person apparently did last night, they go swimming.  I do not understand those people.  I don't know if they have a death wish.  I don't know if they are just too arrogant and showing off.  I don't know and I quite honestly don't care.  If someone is telling you to GET OUT and you are a fool and go play in the mess then that's on you.

Here's the deal, this could be way off track but I feel as if I relate in some way to how things can change on you in an instant.  In October of 2007 I got married and went on my honeymoon in Mexico.  We arrived, got checked into our hotel and headed to the beach to grab a drink and walk in the surf.  It was gorgeous out as you can see from this picture.

What you don't see in this picture are waves.  The ocean looks beautiful.  It would only take minutes for that to change.  Within 15 minutes I found myself pulled out into the ocean after being tackled by a wave.  I knew something was very wrong with my knee and I could not tell my up from down.  To be honest, I thought I was going to drown.

Thankfully I got out.  Sadly I spent the next 6 months going through physical therapy, blood clot treatment, doctor's visits, surgeries and more physical therapy.  The first day I walked again I cried.  At that point I really didn't think I would walk again.  It took two years to have a knee that operated at about 80%.  Now, I'm happy to say that I can crawl on my knees with my son.  It's not completely normal but no one would ever know the way it once was.

See, there was a hurricane off shore that brought in sudden powerful waves.  Had someone TOLD ME this I would have stayed far far away.  No one did.  A flag went up and a bell rang.  I had no idea what the flag meant and I thought the bell was the end of Happy Hour.  I wish I had the chance to make the decision of whether or not I wanted to brave the storm and I'm 100% certain that my decision would have been to listen to the warnings.  More people should listen.

I wish the best for all of those on the East Coast that are suffering from this storm.  Mother Nature is a bitch sometimes.

Monday, October 29, 2012

I've been here before....

Yesterday I got really excited when I stepped on the scale and saw that I have lost 21.1 pounds.  It was so nice to feel this good, be eating this well and still be losing weight.  I immediately posted on Facebook and the outpouring was amazing.  Over 60 people "liked" my status and left comments.  It is likely the most attention anything I've ever posted on Facebook has received aside from the birth of my child.  It felt so good to have that support and love from friends, family and some that hardly know me.

Then the guilt set in.

You see, I've been here before.  A million times really.  I've lost and gained this same 21 pounds so many times that all in all I've probably lost over 200 pounds.  200 of the very same 21 pounds.  My weight loss has been like the movie Groundhog Day.  I get to a certain point and then start back right where I came from.

I wanted to tell all of these people on Facebook that I was sorry.  I felt like I was scamming them.  Then I realized, I need them.  Why?  Well, because that's 60 plus more people to hold me accountable.  60 plus more people that are rooting for me.  60 plus more people that I don't want to let down.  I don't want to hide again when weight comes back on and they all wonder what happened.  I want this to be the LAST TIME for myself and I want this to be the LAST TIME for them.

So thank you for your support.  Thank you for liking my status and leaving comments on my blog.  It feels good and motivates me because this time around I don't want to let anyone down....and I may need to hold your hand some along the way.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Paying Attention

It's amazing how much I have been paying attention.  I pay attention to labels.  I pay attention to what other people are eating.  I pay attention to what I am eating.  It is so eye opening to just sit back and watch.  It is so eye opening to realize how LITTLE I paid attention before.  How little most people do pay attention.

Today I will give just a tiny example of this.  This morning was tough.  It was tough getting myself and my little dude out the door.  I managed to juice for breakfast, but didn't put together my lunch.  I had to run an errand this morning to get part of my son's Halloween costume so I went to Walmart.  While there it was amazing to see what people were buying.  I don't want anyone thinking that I am criticizing these people, or shaking me finger at them.  I was them, I am them.  I could just as easily be walking through that check out with a couple candy bars, chips and soda.  It would be so easy.  I didn't though.  I bought the costume items I went in for and went to work.

At around 11am I realized that I was going to have to get lunch somewhere...and this was going to be tough. Then I remembered that no too far from me there is a vegan/raw restaurant that I had been wanting to try before I even went down this road.  So I headed there...only to find out they are closed on Fridays.  At that point I was starting to crack.  I was starting to think of all the other options, the options I would have typically gotten.  Burritos, chips, fries, burgers, salami sandwich, etc. etc.  I finally decided my safest bet was going to be a sandwich, but I didn't want Subway.  So I went to a small business and opted for their veggie sandwich with hummus.  I omitted the cheese and the mushrooms (which I will NEVER like.)  I was so happy looking at the menu knowing that the sandwich was only 300 calories!  Not bad for a lunch.  I felt so happy that restaurants are now posting calories on the menu boards.

I got back to my office and couldn't wait to eat my sandwich.  It was toasted and smelled just like pizza.  I opened it up and thought MAN...that is a BIG sandwich for 300 calories!  I ate half and felt full, but it was just sooo good.  I wanted to eat that other half.  I sat for a moment longer, I drank some water.  I thought again...MAN...that is a BIG sandwich for 300 calories.  It was then that I paid attention.  I paid attention to the fact that I was full.  I paid attention to the fact that something didn't add up.  I went to the companies website.  I found the nutritionals.  You see, that sandwich is 2 servings.  That sandwich is 600 calories.  No where on the menu board did it indicate that.  If I hadn't paid attention to myself, and only listened to that one voice telling me it was delicious, I would be sitting her too full and realizing that there is no way it was 300 calories.

It's nice to be paying attention.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What a difference......

It's amazing what a difference a week can make.  Last week, when I first started putting other foods in my mouth I was quite literally scared.  It was eye opening to admit that and to really understand that.  Yes "Anonymous Commenter" I am and adult and I am SCARED of food.

Knowing that I was going to eat food, I really wanted to establish some guidelines for what I was eating.  Some rules for myself.  Here are the things I decided:

1.  Drink water.  On that note, since I started the cleanse I drink anywhere from 100-150 ounces of water a day.  If I don't, I notice.

2.  Juice or Smoothie for breakfast.  I switch this up.  In fact one day last week I actually went out to breakfast so I juiced for lunch instead.

3.  Lunch time try to have as much raw food as possible.

4.  Dinner meals focus on plant strong.

5.  Calorie count.  I know you can go overboard even on healthier foods so I want to watch and keep track of what I am eating.  This also means I am keeping a food journal which NEVER hurts.

So, once I had those rules I continued on my education path.  I started watching more documentaries and taking bits and pieces away from each.  I started looking at plant strong diets and printing out recipes to make at home.  Now, does that mean I'm not eating meat anymore?  No, I still will.  It's just in moderation and not the main focus of my diet.  However, I have not had any dairy.  I think I have always been sensitive to dairy so I'm going to do my best to stay away.  The only hard part will be cheese, I love cheese.  I also have been paying close attention to sugar.  What I am realizing is...it's in EVERYTHING!  Even things you think wouldn't have sugar or need sugar still have it.  I am slowly transitioning our household to a "low sugar" household and avoiding it wherever I can.

This education has helped ten fold.  In fact, I don't think I've ever felt this educated on an diet I've tried.  I'm really also trying not to think of this as a diet.  I really just keep thinking about it as a new way of living.  A way where I feel great.  Here are some interesting things that I have realized.  First, I have not taken ANY sort of pain medicine since I started this.  I used to take Aleve almost daily.  It was either for a headache or a pain somewhere (back, knee, etc).  I haven't take it, nor have I needed it.

Here's the other thing.  I have always felt that the Weight Watchers program was one of the best.  I still do believe it can be extremely helpful, but even they are missing some of the education pieces.  They don't really teach you how to eat.  They teach you how to eat what you want in moderation and I have learned that method does not work for everyone.  Why?  Because what I want is not good for me.  To have what I want means that I actually get to eat very little food throughout the day...and in the end while I might lose weight I will always feel hungry and still feel like shit.  You also are never really being taught to listen to your body.  To know when you are feeling hungry and then eat.  You are given a points guide and that's what you are supposed to stick to.

Let me give you an example.  At my size I would likely have 30'ish points a day.  The other this is exactly what I ate all day:

Morning: Juice of two apples, 4 celery, large bunch of Kale, ginger and cucumber.

Lunch: Two slices of Ezekiel bread with a half an avocado spread on, a sliced tomato and arugula.

Snack: Large bag of baby carrots

Dinner: Quinoa and butternut squash burrito with roasted vegetables.

That was just shy of 1500 calories.  It was filling, it was nourishing, it was plant strong and it was healthy.  I was not starving at any point.  I was eating when I was hungry and getting the calories in.  Now, if I had that exact meal plan on Weight Watchers I would have only eaten 12 points.  So by their standards I would have to fit in another 20+ points throughout my day.  The thing is, they aren't counting on people eating like that.  They are counting on people eating processed and the standard American diet where each food carries a high point value...but does it ever really fill you up?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm only one week in of eating this way.  I'm not expert and I'm definitely not a success story.  I'm a work in progress who is just figuring this out as I go.  Each person needs to do their own thing.  Each person needs to figure out what works for them.  What I know is I am paying no one for this.  There is no one making money off of me.  Which kind of makes me wonder, do those companies that make money off of us losing weight really have our best interest at heart?  If they did, wouldn't we all lose the weight and keep it off and then what...they would end up broke.  We'll all be success stories.  I just find it all interesting to think about.

So, I'm just going to keep plugging away and see where this all takes me.  I lost another 2.2lbs this week...right on track so I must be doing something right?

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I'm terrified.......

I've had some serious mixed emotions the past couple days and couldn't quite put my finger on it.  Today I sat down and wrote to a friend who reached out to me last week during the cleanse.  Writing her I really nailed down what is going on.  The truth is I'm absolutely TERRIFIED.  I'm going to paste some of my email to her so I'm not writing this all over again...



              "Thank you for your kind comments.  I'm not sure why I am able to just lay it all out there like that.  Sometimes I even think to myself "What the fuck am I doing?"  Then I realize that I get no where hiding it so I might as well just let it all hang out.  I mean people know I'm fat.  People have seen me put on a ton of weight so they know I'm not at home eating carrot sticks and cucumbers.
It is so so very hard being a yo yo'er.  It's sometimes harder being this honest because I feel like the boy who cried wolf.  How many times can I think this time is going to be different and get others to believe me and support me instead of just the old "oh great, here she goes again."  I just want it to stick.  Will this be the time?  I have no idea.  I can only hope so and do my best.
Originally I was determined to do this for two weeks and then just cut back.  Calorie count and moderate but not make very many changes.  I finished the two weeks and thought...two more!!
Now, just a couple days in I realize I'm not saying two more because I really need two more.  I'm saying two more because I'm scared.  I'm scared to death to eat.  I'm scared to get out of control.  Two more weeks is not going to help that at all.  I do know that I have decided to cut back on the meat and dairy.  I'll still have it, but if the choice is there to not I'll try to pick that when I can.  So, right now I'm just going to start eating food more.  I will still make a smoothie or juice for breakfast and always have raw veggies at work.  Today though I am having someone get me a sandwich.  It's so funny how scary that is.  I went totally veggie, but having those two pieces of bread feels like a sin.....and I don't want it to.  I just want to be normal :o)  Isn't it crazy how terrifying it can be?  We just beat ourselves up over and over again because we don't want to be seen as a failure AGAIN.  It's likely though that we are the only ones that see ourselves that way."


So there you have it.  I'm absolutely scared to death to eat.  I don't want to cleanse another two weeks because of how good I feel.  I truly believe it is possible to feel this good AND eat.  I just have to figure out how to do that.  Really, if I'm being honest I probably don't even have to figure out HOW to do it...I know how to.  I just need to do it.  I want to take care of myself.  I don't want to climb all the way up this ladder to slide down.  I'm tired of playing Chutes and Ladders.  In my mind I see all the people standing on the sides of the ladder cheering me onto the top.  The problem is in my mind I see them disappointed and laughing as I go flailing back down the slide.  The thing is...those aren't real people.  It's me.  It's me cheering myself on and then it's me laughing at myself and pointing saying "failure" as I slide back down.  We can really be our own worst enemy sometimes.





Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Cleanse Day 15

I did it!  I completed my full two weeks of the cleanse.  It seems so silly, but this is really one of the hardest things I've ever done and perhaps the most eye opening.  While I knew that food had a hold on me, I really didn't realize how much.  I just figured I over ate and that was that.  I figured I had addictions and once I got over those it would be smooth sailing.

So, where does that leave me now.  Well for starters it leaves me 15.6 pounds lighter than I was 15 days ago.  It leaves me with a TON more energy than I have had in a VERY long time.  I honestly have never felt this good.  I think of all the times that I was just tired for no reason.  I mean really, how many of us say, "I'm so tired today and I don't know why." It happened to me all the time.  Sure, I still get tired.  I get tired though when Leyton doesn't sleep through the night and I get interrupted sleep.  I get tired after a full day of work, then taking care of my family and then working out.  I don't just sit at my desk every day tired.

It also leaves me so aware.  Awareness on a couple different levels.  I'm aware of my body, what it is telling me.  I know when it is hungry and when it is full.  I can tell when I'm just craving something.  I'm also aware of all the terrible food that is out there and how so many of us eat it.  I went grocery shopping the other day and watching was people put into their carts was astounding.  It was something I never would have paid attention to before.  To be honest, there were many times it was disgusting.  Thing is, I had to take a step back because not long ago that was me.  I would have been filling my cart with shit and by passing the foods that were actually good for me.

That all said, I'm not 100% sure where I stand at this point.  It's too early in that game to even figure out.  So I have decided to give it another two weeks.  I won't be doing the same regimen.  I'll be adding some roasted veggies and soups at dinner.  I'll be switching up the smoothie and adding more fruits.  I'll also be juicing for my breakfast.  I just need more time to decide what the right path is for me after all this.

Here's one thing I know for sure.  It is going to be a path of balance.  Do I believe that this plant strong diet is excellent for my body...yes.  Will I give up meat/dairy/etc forever...no.  I just can't be an extreme eater on any spectrum.  I have done that for too long.  If I can make smarter choices though I believe it is possible to find a balance in both worlds.  I see people doing that all the time.

Here's to another two weeks and finding balance!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Cleanse Day 12

Man, it seems crazy to even write that.  TWELVE!  While this has seemed like a long process, I also can't believe that I am nearing the two week mark.  That is eleven days and one morning of sticking to the plan 100%.  I haven't strayed once.  No licks, no bites, no nibbles.  I've tempted myself with everything I could think of, all my favorites.  I've gotten sad, I've felt sick and I've gotten angry over food.  In doing so I have realized what a tremendous grip food has over me.  I have also realized that 14 days of not having it does not mean I am through the woods.  I'm still in there, tangled in ivy and muddy...trying to find my way out.

I can see people through the woods though.  People who want to help me get out, the question I have to ask is...which direction are they trying to lead me?

There are those saying, "Stacey, come this way....this is too much.  Don't be crazy about this, you can figure this out another way."

There are those saying, "Stacey, you're almost over.  You've done a great job and we have a hot meal waiting for you on the other side."

Then there are those that don't say much.  They just stand there with their arms out.  Sometimes I can see them and sometimes I can't.  I just always know they are there.  Just when things get tough I will hear them.  "You can do this.  You are strong.  We are proud of you."

I know that those are the people I want to follow.  They each have their own take on this.  They each have their own lifestyle and way of eating.  They each have some sort of example that I could learn from in the long run.

The other people aren't bad.  The other people want to help too, but because they don't understand they don't know any other way of trying to help.  What I've done may be crazy to them, but only because they have never had to do anything like this.  Not that they shouldn't, I think everyone could benefit.  They just haven't HAD to.  They also don't quite know where I am coming from.

Here's what I don't think people understand, and this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever written.  That says a lot coming from someone that has spilled her weight for anyone to see, spilled her guts for anyone to step through.  It seems like such a simple thing to do, but so hard to admit or confess almost.  I want you to know what an average day of eating was like for me.

Breakfast was hit or miss.  At most I would have a bowl of cereal.  After dropping Leyton off on my way to the office I would stop at a convenience store.  I would get a 44oz Diet drink of some sort (mostly Dr. Pepper or Coke).  I would also get either a sleeve of chocolate covered donuts, a Pop Tart or one of the jumbo Big Stuff Reese Peanut Butter Cups (which has two inside).  I would eat this on my way to the office...never where anyone could see.

For lunch I would typically go to Chic Fil A and get the largest nugget meal with fries and of course with more soda.  Or I might head to my local favorite Mexican restaurant for a jumbo bean and cheese burrito with tortilla chips.  If it wasn't those, it was almost always some other sort of fast food.  Somewhere in here I might have a glass of water but that was also hit or miss.

For dinner I would go home and cook a meal.  Casseroles, burgers, new dishes from Pinterest, tacos, etc.  Your pretty standard dinner fare.  I wouldn't say that it was always terribly unhealthy cooking, but I always ate way to much of it and I would rarely have much vegetables in there.

For dessert...and there was ALWAYS dessert, I might get frozen yogurt with more Reeses put into it.  I might have cookies and milk.  I might have ice cream.

By the end of the day, at most I had consumed maybe 16 ounces of water and maybe 1-2 servings of fruit/vegetables if I was lucky.  I don't even want to think about how many calories.

How crazy is that?  If I had told you that is what I was doing, would you still be reaching for my hand saying, "Don't be crazy about this, you can figure this out another way?"  100% of me believes you would not.  You would not because no one wants to tell the fat unhealthy girl that she is fat and unhealthy.  I've had two people in my life EVER tell me I needed to do something about my weight.  One was a doctor that I never saw again and one was a Physical Therapist who told me that if I wasn't careful I would relive my knee injury all over again.  My knee would only tolerate this for so long with the damage I had done to it in that ocean.

So I'm twelve days through.  Twelve days through one of the hardest things I have done.  One of the most challenging cut backs on eating that I have ever experienced.  The one thing I have decided, is 14 days is not enough.  I'm going for the gusto and sticking with it for a month.  I will be adding more fruits and vegetables and some soups in the evenings to fill that "warm meal" craving but I will avoid dairy, meat, sugar and soy for a full month.  From there I don't know where my journey will take me, but I'm certain I will have the knowledge I need to lead me out of this jungle that I have been lost in for so very long.


Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Cleanse Day 10

Today started fine.  I went to the pool this morning and swam a mile and felt so proud.  Then I went to work and started drinking my morning breakfast.  I had a hard time getting through it but thought nothing of it.  Lunch was a breeze.

Then I came home and found that I was "testy." I just wasn't feeling like doing much of anything.  I wanted to go and try yoga at the Rec Center so I was actually happy to leave the house.  Yoga was exhausting.  I didn't feel it at all and immediately decided that swimming a mile and doing a yoga class may be a bit too much, but I powered through it.

When I got home I was starving and made dinner.  The hubs = nachos.  Me = raw shit.  That's what it felt like.  I had a MAJOR food trigger again and wanted those nachos so bad.  I ate enough to feel full and threw in the towel.  I just didn't want to eat anymore and with each bite I was getting more and more irritated.

Days like this suck.  Days like this make me want to just say fuck it and eat.  I don't want to eat a ton, just a bite of something warm and new.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Monday, October 08, 2012

Cleanse Day 9

It's been over a week.  A week of smoothies in the morning and early afternoon, a big plate of veggies at lunch and a big salad at dinner.  Oh and a TON of water!!  I was thinking that this is likely the first time my body has not had sugar since I was an infant.  How crazy is that?

Overall, things went well this weekend.  I started the cleanse on a Sunday so this was my first full weekend.  I was worried.  Worried I would be more tempted since I would be in a house FULL of stuff I couldn't have.  It wasn't hard at all, in fact to MAKE things hard I decided to bake.  I bought a big flat of strawberries on Saturday and made homemade preserves and then homemade strawberry pop tarts.  I didn't even lick the spoon.  More important, I really didn't want to.

I also went swimming on Saturday.  I've been swimming now for a couple months.  I try to go three days a week but will admit there are times when one day is all I get in.  When I get in, I also never feel like I give it my all.  I just paddle around for a while and hop out.  On Saturday I dove in and the water was FREEZING.  So, I swam.  I swam and swam and swam and swam.  When I reached 40 laps I thought, "Maybe I will just do a whole mile."  Only, I couldn't remember what a mile was.  So I did 64 laps.....sadly just 6 laps shy of a mile.  It opened my eyes though.  I miss that.  I miss swimming for what seems like forever and getting out and feeling like a giant noodle.

So I called two friends and told them my idea...to make a Triathlon Team Getty.  See, I can't run.  My knees won't allow it and I've never been much into biking.  I can swim though!  It would be a way for me to get out and compete and raise more awareness.  So next summer we will compete in any tri's we can find that let you do it as a team.  I'm also going to sign up for at least 2 open water swims on my own. I do my best brainstorming when I'm swimming!

Finally it was Sunday.  The day to weigh myself.  While I feel amazing, I wasn't sure what I would really see on the scale.  When I hoped on, the scale was dead...no batteries.  I took this as a bad sign, but figured I would just weight later.  I did.  I lost 10.6 pounds.  I almost fell off the scale.  It was so wonderful to see that number on there.  To know that I am feeling so wonderful and my body is too.  Have you ever held an over 10lb baby for a while?  They are heavy.  Your arms get tired.  I was carrying that around just on my body.  Not only that but it was a toxin filled body.

There's 5 more days on the cleanse, but it's very likely I will do it for a whole month.  It it recommended for at least 14 days and ideal for a month.  So, I'm going to give it a go.  I'm sure the road will get rocky again, but so far I'm trudging through it and I have never felt better!!

Friday, October 05, 2012

Cleanse Day Six - Continued.....

I want to make sure that I don't make this cleanse seem like it is all wine and roses.  While I am doing fine and sticking with it, it is NOT easy.  Each day I am faced with some sort of challenge and it's rising above those challenges that makes me feel successful.  While I find the morning and lunch to be very easy....dinner is DIFFICULT.  Part of this may be that there are people in my house who are eating other food, food that I used to eat.  I don't have a hard time preparing the food, but once we are all sitting down and I just have a bowl of salad or veggies it is hard to not want what they are having.

Tonight is a perfect example.  Tonight was the hardest example.

I came home and gave the hubs some dinner options and he chose breakfast for dinner....my favorite.  Now, the smart thing may have been not offering my favorite to him and that way I would just avoid it.  I don't want to do that though.  I don't want to take the easy route.  I want to face my fears and my tough relationships with food.

As we sat down to eat, there in front of me...under a papertowel...was a plate of bacon.  I took the papertowel off and had to immediately put it back on.  There was no way I could sit and eat my salad while staring down a plate of bacon.  The thing is, my mind already knew it was there.  Each bite of salad that I ate made me feel sick.  I was getting queasy from salad.  Why?  Because my mind wanted that fucking bacon.  I quite literally started to get angry.  I hated that bacon.  I hated that my family was eating it.  I hated that I just had salad.  For the next hour and a half I was on edge.  I felt short tempered and just annoyed.

All because of bacon.

So, if you still sit back and think to yourself that what I am doing is extreme and a tad crazy I want you to think again.  I seriously had a mood altering experience because I wasn't going to eat some BACON.  That my friends is more fucked up than eating raw veggies for two weeks.

Cleanse Day Six

So it's 6 days in....that means I've almost completed my first week!  You know what?  I feel great!  Like seriously great.  I have more energy, my digestion is fantastic and I just overall feel a ton better and happier.  Here are the things that I just don't miss:

44oz Sodas
Candy during the day
Fast food
Donuts in the morning
Alcohol
Feeling stuffed at lunch
Feeling stuffed at dinner
Feeling guilty, feeling guilty, feeling guilty

Here is what I DO miss:
Warm meals.  Eating only raw is probably the toughest part.  I'm cool with the morning smoothie but sometimes I make a salad at dinner and just want to throw it across the room.
Dessert.  I don't miss the sweets during the day, but I do miss having a little dessert after dinner.  I don't think about it much, but it does sound delicious.

That's it!  That's all I miss.  A warm meal and dessert.  Here's the thing though, I don't crave dessert.  It just sounds fun.  Popping up some popcorn, having some frozen yogurt.  But I don't sit around thinking about it constantly.  Food was all that was on my mind before.  Now I almost have to remind myself to eat.  How do I know when to eat?  By listening to my body.  Not because it is lunch time, etc.  I eat my stuff when I'm hungry.  That is a pleasant change.

Here's to almost one week down and one more week to go.  I may do this for an entire month, but if I do I have to introduce something warm at night, even if it's just a veggie soup.  Again, the warm meal is the hardest part.

I know I haven't talked about weight at all.  How that is going.  I did weigh myself and take measurements at the beginning and will weigh myself Sunday and when it's over.  I'm a firm believer that you can't weigh more than once a week or you will go crazy.  So, check back in on Sunday if you want to know how it is affecting my weight.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Cleanse Day Four

I know it's only the middle of the afternoon, but today I feel good.  I woke up feeling good.  I didn't feel hungover, I didn't have a headache, I didn't feel sore.  I woke up and was just ready to get started with my day!  It was a nice feeling.  I was excited to make my smoothie.  I was excited to continue down this path and see where it takes me.

While doing this there are some interesting things that I'm really starting to understand.  The first, I was a human garbage disposal.  In all honesty, probably worse than that because I cared more about what items were safe to put into an actual garbage disposal than my own body.  Having Leyton did not help this.  Oh, you have food left on your plate, no worries...Mommy will help you clean that up!  Last night Leyton wanted a snack and asked for some gold fish.  As I was pouring them into the bowl one fell on the group and I immediately scooped it up and went to put it in my mouth.  I stopped just short of my lips and seriously though, "What the fuck am I doing?!"  It was so weird to think that I ultimately NEVER THINK about what I am putting into my mouth.

This touches back on the notion that I have no comprehension of what it means to be full and what it means to be hungry.  In fact, the majority of the time I think I just eat to eat....and I eat more when I am actually feeling full.  Why?  Because I can feel my stomach and I confuse this for thinking it must want more.  It actually has been telling me to stop!  I don't have lunch during the day because I am hungry, I have lunch because it is lunch time which means time to eat.  You can literally insert whatever meal or snack you want...it is just "time" to eat based on a clock that hangs on a wall.

Last night I had a dream.  In that dream I was shopping at Nugget Market.  While shopping the first thing I grabbed was a bag of their tea cookies from the bakery.  By the end of the shopping trip I had a cart FULL of fresh vegetables and fruit.  As I was nearing the check stand I realized in horror that I had eaten half of the bag of cookies.  I didn't remember eating them, I didn't remember tasting them.  I remember putting them in my cart and I remember seeing them half gone.  Seems like a crazy dream right?

Thing is, that is me in non dream.  My favorite cookies are from Nugget Market, they are called tea cookies.  If I don't have any at home I buy some each time that I go into the store.  Most of the time I don't have any at home because I eat 4-5 cookies (and these are full size cookies people) the first day I buy them.  I typically look at the bag and think, "How did I eat so many of these?"  The dream was just a shadow of the life that I used to lead.  It also was a foreshadowing of where I am headed though because that cart was chock full of good stuff.

I don't want to be a garbage disposal, I don't want to eat another cookie and not even know what I am doing.  I will not.


Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Cleanse Day Three

Phew.  Today is better.  I feel at least 90% different than I felt yesterday.  Not grumpy, not thinking about food as much, not hungry and not feeling sick and achy.  This morning I even got myself motivated to go swim.  I have had ZERO energy since starting on Sunday and have only taken Leyton on a walk to daycare. It felt so good to get back in the pool today, made me want to go every morning actually.

For lunch today....I even ate celery.  It wasn't so bad!  I tried to eat it on Sunday and COULD NOT do it.  Yesterday I had a hard time with all the vegetables.  It was like my body was looking at this stuff saying, "If you put that in my mouth, I am going to get sick."  Although, it was probably my mind saying that more than my body.  So, each time I put something in my mouth...say a carrot..something I love....I would feel sick.  That was a lot of the reason behind why I did my dinner in two steps last night because at first the thought of a salad made me want to retch.

Today the smoothie tasted good, the vegetables tasted good and I'm loving my daily tea.  I have an iced green tea in the morning and a peppermint tea at night before bed.  I know I will continue the peppermint tea ritual long after this is over.

My other discovery......chia.

I love these damn seeds!  I had a hard time finding them in the store and bugged my eyes out a bit when I saw the $12 price.  Then I got home and realized how many you get and how little you need.  I'm not sure what it is about them but I find them delicious.  I love sprinkling them on my salad and veggies and they are so good for you.  I plan on keeping these in my diet too and adding them to as much stuff as I can.

Today I wanted them a little different so I added some water and just let them sit.  I added a little Stevia to them and nibbled on them with a spoon through out the day.  Looking at them I was afraid I would bothered by the texture this way...but they are delicious.  I used 4 Tbsp of Chia seeds and 6oz of water.  I just nibbled on this today and hardly any is gone so I figure I'm going to get about 4-5 servings out of this.  It's just a nice little snack and gives me a boost when I need it.  I may even try to eat it with some apple tomorrow...yummy!

As I write this I realize....was the Chia Pet these seeds?!  By then end of this I guess I'll have a lovely little chia pet growing in my tummy.


Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

Monday, October 01, 2012

Cleanse Day Two

Today was BRUTAL.  I'm not going to lie.  All I kept thinking about all day was the food I wasn't going to have.  I woke up in the morning and watched Leyton and Bill eat cereal and I'm sure I was giving them skunk eye the whole time.  I made my morning smoothie and hated every minute of it.  Every sip I wanted to gag.

At lunch I ran an errand and picked up lunch for my boss.  I wanted to knock each person's Chipotle lunch right off their table.  The skinny ones I hated even more.  How come they could eat there and look like that? The fat people, well I hated them too.  I was one of them.  I was angry at them for being part of my team.  Why couldn't we control ourselves?

I also felt like I had been hit like a mack truck, or coming down with a flu.  I had no energy and everything seemed to ache.  Even my eyeballs felt weird.  By the time I got home I was hungry, the first time I felt like eating all day really.  I made myself a bowl of just avocado, tomato and some chia seeds.  It was delicious.  I later had a big salad too as my appetite came back.

I finished the day with a hot hot tub and a book. That tub seemed to help wash away many of the things that I felt during the day.  I didn't want to go to bed angry or with these thoughts in my head.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

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