Maybe I'm watching too much Nurse Jackie right now...which by the way I LOVE that show! I don't know why it took me so long to start watching it. That hubby of hers? Yum.
Anyway, I have been thinking the past few days about addiction. You see, it runs in my family. I've had quite a few family members that have struggled with addiction which perhaps helped me at a young age from wanting to drink or do drugs. That is what addiction is. When you hear someone has an addiction problem, you immediately think they are either drinking or doing drugs. You don't think of some of the other non conventional addictions. Yet, there are a lot. In fact I would dare say that I suffer from a few of them. The one I want to talk about here is eating. We've talked about it before, it comfortable for me for some reason to talk about it here.
Here's the thing. I have an addiction problem with food. I'm sure there are a MILLION reasons why I over eat, just like there may be a million reasons why someone starts drinking. Here is what is different. I can't just STOP eating. If someone is a drug addict no one tells them "just take less drugs, start snorting lines in moderation." If someone is an alcoholic no ones tells them to "just drink light beers." Yet....when someone has an unhealthy relationship with food they are just told to "eat in moderation." It's the simple solution.
What the fuck? Do you know how hard that is? Those that have figured out how to eat in moderation and do it for life deserve a big medal. As big of a medal as someone that stops doing drugs or stops drinking. Those that don't figure it out and keep sliding down the slide get to feel like a failure. They get to experience the depression of feeling like they are a failure. They get to beat themselves up for not being strong enough to do it.
How do I know this? Well, I'm sitting at the bottom of the damn slide again. It started at gaining 3 pounds over the holidays and being OK with that. Only I didn't climb back up the slide like I thought I would. I kept sliding down, down, down, down. Along the way I found 7 other pounds.
Now I'm at the bottom and I feel like a failure AGAIN. I feel like I've let people down. I feel fat. I feel frustrated. Doing the cleanse was the most extreme thing I'd ever done. I didn't do it because I wanted to lose weight, I did it because I felt awful and I didn't want to feel that way again. Doing that cleanse really opened my eyes to my terrible addiction with food. The problem is, I don't feel like I have the support for this addiction. I'm sure I will be SLANDERED by some for this but I sometimes feel it would be better if my addiction was drug or alcohol related because I could at least be trying to just give something up..not just have it in "moderation." Don't get me wrong, it's not like I think that is easier...I just wish there were better options out there for those with food addiction issues. I wish it didn't feel as embarrassing or taboo. People feel bad for the drunk falling down on the street...people don't feel bad for the fat girl at the buffet. I'm sorry if saying that makes me seem like an asshole but I'm sure anyone who does have an addiction problem with food would agree with me. It's not sympathy I'm looking for either. I guess more of an understanding for how hard all of this really is.
Anyway, February I am doing a plant based challenge put on by YumUniverse...although I will admit I'm starting Saturday since I have to go grocery shopping. I don't know if it will last the whole 30 days, I don't know if I make it 30 if I will be able to continue it for the rest of my life. I just wish that someday this would all click and make sense and I wouldn't keep sliding down this slide.